Early in the week we contacted the mother about going for a visit to try and break the cycle of suicidal ideation that we’re experiencing. She didn’t answer, so we called her a couple of nights ago to see what she thought. She pointed out that we would have to interact with the sister and sister-in-law if we went there – not a positive thing. The main theme of the conversation revolved around going there not being a good idea and several times re-enforcing that she couldn’t come up here. We said several times that we weren’t asking anyone to come up here… *sigh*
After this conversation, we thought we’d go for the road trip to get out of town for awhile. We started to organise for our cat to go into a boarding place etc. But one night as we were stroking her to sleep and telling her (and us) that she’ll be nice and safe in the boarding place, this young voice said “cos we won’t be back”. It hit us then that parts of this brain were planning for a suicide while we were out of town. I knew that suicide would have been a possibility as we would have organised everything for us not being here – work, cat etc. We’re convinced that if we died, within a week we’d be forgotten. Taking a week off work would have fitted that criteria. But I didn’t consciously consider this a real threat until this young one piped up. Maybe I just didn’t want to know about the plans? Not sure…
That brought us back to having no plan to break the cycle. Then last night the mother calls again and asks if we’re going down to her. I know we’re hearing impaired and can mis-understand things, but earlier in the week it was a very clear that we weren’t encouraged to go there, now we are?? The mother has said that she expects us to commit suicide one day, so maybe the first call was a defense mechanism on her part? Or, maybe she just couldn’t be bothered talking to us that night – we rarely call her anyway.
I know the sensible thing would be to go for an assessment for respite or in-patient care. But we’re so badly triggered by hospitals that it would cause a further downward spiral. We also appear to be still high functioning, so we would probably be just seen as attention seeking.
Not quite sure what to do.
Scattered pieces 