Shouldn’t have shared!

Do you ever do something, which you’re sure is a positive healing step, only to find out it has caused unforeseen pain to a part of you?  I shared something on a blog today after several attempts and false starts at commenting.  The blog owner has now commented on the entry, giving positive proof that our comment has probably been read.  Now all I hear are the words “Shouldn’t have shared” repeated over and over by a young one.  It’s getting louder and more insistent.  I’ve tried apologising.  I’ve tried breathing.  But it hasn’t helped.  I stuffed up royally.  This young one has taken our comments as positive proof that we are a disgusting piece of worthless rubbish.

I thought writing this might stop the chanting.  We went to see Jo at the woman’s program today and badly needed to self-injure as punishment for getting caught up at work and therefore running late for the appointment.  Jo asked what was going on to cause the need to injure, I said I didn’t know.  She asked if it was someone within the system who wanted to injure.  Suddenly the need to self-injure stopped.  It was as if whatever part was causing the need, didn’t want to be questioned or discovered, so went away.  I was hoping the same logic would work with the chanting, but no.

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8 Responses to “Shouldn’t have shared!”


  1. 1 Paul from Mind Parts September 4, 2009 at 12:14 am

    Castorgirl,

    I know this is hard. And you are so conflicted inside. You have written about this before on your blog. So, you may want to tell yourself that you aren’t exactly treading new ground.

    Ultimately, what you are doing is challenging the way “things have always been”. This is good in the long run, but feels bad in the short run. I know parts are unhappy and some of what we have to do is assess what parts will accept and not accept. But sometimes things need to be said and we cannot go through the process of thinking everything we do through. We couldn’t live a life like that. It’s just not possible.

    Hope this helps.

    Paul

    • 2 castorgirl September 4, 2009 at 1:47 pm

      Hi Paul,

      I think part of the problem is that we know that Blooming Lotus has quite a high readership. In comparison, our blog is quiet and feels safe. It felt different admitting something on there that we have only hinted at here. Reading what we wrote in the cold hard light of day, I can see that we didn’t go into the graphic detail that we felt we had done.

      I agree we all need to challenge our status quo, but sometimes we can be a little too challenging. I suppose I need to find that balancing point of what is safe.

      Take care,
      CG

  2. 3 Ivory September 4, 2009 at 1:13 am

    I know how you’re feeling. I shared with my husband that I have DID and he couldn’t get out of my life fast enough. I’d like to say here what Mr.S often says, “You have to take chances to move forward”, but I am lousy at that myself.

    I do know that time will lessen the blow and you might find that it will be a healing event anyway. I am so sorry, tho, that this has happened, I wish I could make it better for you.

    • 4 castorgirl September 4, 2009 at 11:51 am

      Thank you so much Ivory :)

      I don’t know how hard it must have been for you to go through the separation from your husband under those conditions. All I can say is that I’m so sorry it happened as it did.

      Take care,
      CG

  3. 5 davidrochester September 4, 2009 at 10:54 am

    This happens to me all the time, and it never seems to get easier, though I do find that I’m getting more creative about self-soothing.

    I don’t know whether this would work or resonate for you at all, but I’ll pass it on just in case it might be helpful in some circumstance, though maybe not this one. Some of my young alters, as children tend to be, are super super black/white/factual. They’re also pretty smart. So, occasionally, what will work to soothe them is to gently ask them what bad thing is happening as a result of what we did to try to heal. Often, when they can be shown that there is no bad result to the body or the life of the body based on the healing action we took, the intensity of their fear or pain is dialed down a little.

    • 6 castorgirl September 4, 2009 at 1:52 pm

      This is such a simple way of challenging their fears, thank you David. It makes sense… Sometimes I forget that I am dealing with very hurt children. I know that they are young, but still project my adult knowledge onto them.

      Take care,
      CG

  4. 7 s&co September 4, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    I don’t have any words of advice, just wanted to say thanks for writing this. Thanks for fighting back against the programming, because it gives other survivors like me a bit of courage to do the same.

    -s&co


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