I’m thick!

Yup, I’m thick.  I might be intelligent, but I’m still as thick as a thick thing on a thick day.  I’ve been a dissociative, anxiety ridden wreck for the last week and had no idea why.  I thought it was just S acting out that was causing me to lose so much time.  It’s only today when I was at the supermarket check-out that it clicked… The check-out operator was asking the usual pleasantries about how my day was etc.  Then she asked the big one “Did you do anything special for Father’s Day?”  How in the world could I not connect today with being Father’s Day?  I brought one of the special Father’s Day lotto tickets last week; I’ve seen the Father’s Day card stands in the shops; I’ve seen the advertisements on television; I even thought of buying a camera tripod in a Father’s Day sale.  But for some reason, the words ‘Father’s Day’ didn’t connect correctly in my brain.  Don’t ask me why, but I didn’t associate it with the father and the past.

I don’t know if this lack of connection is a good or bad thing, but it sure helps to explain why I’ve lost most of the week.  It could also explain why S was acting out so violently and challenging the power dynamics within the system.  We were all oblivious to her pain and memories…  I’m so sorry S, please forgive us.

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9 Responses to “I’m thick!”

  1. 1 fromthesamesky September 7, 2009 at 1:21 am

    That would make sense! It’s also no wonder that you didn’t ‘realise’ till now – why would you want to? But I’m glad you’ve been able to make sense of S and her feelings this week.

    • 2 castorgirl September 8, 2009 at 11:21 am

      I think that’s it, I didn’t want to know about Father’s Day. I haven’t had any substantial contact with the father in over 15 years. So the day doesn’t have any current relevance, but it does historically. But I should have been more aware so that it didn’t cause the problems that it did…

      • 3 The Misunderstood One September 8, 2009 at 7:58 pm

        They say my mother has died, but how come she still has birthday on September 1st, the first day of school, so she didn’t abandon me only when I was left at the asthma hospital, but she abandoned me when she turned into my teacher later in school, as well. I hate school! It was a horrible day for us, the whole system when the adult alters walked their own children to the school, I was screaming inside “Do not leave your children there, please!” And they did it anyway… I was upset, but they ignored me, the grownup alters and their wife was saying to them: “You lost your mum because she stopped being your mum the minute she became your teacher, I know you hate school for that, I do understand”.

        But it didn’t happen to the grownup alters who the wife was talking to, at all, it happened to me! The hospital and the abandonment, again and again, they just are not able to admit the gravity of how this abandonments affected me… they have no idea… never will have…

        • 4 castorgirl September 8, 2009 at 9:09 pm

          Hi hi The Misunderstood One,

          It’s Aimee and Sophie :) We’re so sorry that you were abandoned by your mother. Sometimes mothers don’t know how to be good mothers and they get things all mixed up. Like your mother being your teacher too, that was mixing things up. But that wasn’t the schools fault. School is a good place for the adult alters to take the children. We know that it wasn’t safe or good for you, but the adult alters and their wife are making sure the children are safe.

          Aimee *waves* and sends (((warm safe hugs)))
          Take care,
          Sophie :)

        • 5 castorgirl September 9, 2009 at 3:29 pm

          Dear The Misunderstood One,

          Even if your mother has died, some facts will never change and she has not been forgotten. She will always have been born on the 1st of September, no matter what. You and others still remember her, that is why people know that her birthday is on that day. This happens for good things and bad things.

          No matter what, it isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.

          Thank you for writing to us.
          Kind regards

  2. 6 beauty September 7, 2009 at 3:40 am

    Sometimes just knowing what is causing our mental/emotional discomfort can be such a relief. I have times like that too, when I forget what has me so upset . . . I should know, from past experience, but it’s like I have amnesia once the current trigger is behind me.

  3. 8 Paul September 9, 2009 at 6:30 am

    I’m sorry there was such a trigger. I look at this as a positive. While, yes, it would be nice to have identified the trigger beforehand, it’s important to know that you are working towards this. Also, there have been many Father’s Days before this past one, which probably means many other triggers. Yet this one you are aware of. And going forward you will always know this.


    • 9 castorgirl September 9, 2009 at 3:19 pm

      As we stopped seeing the father, this time of year became about the mothers birthday. But I know intellectually that Father’s Day is a trigger from some of the flashbacks that I’ve experienced. I was oblivious to that this year and I’m not sure why. A rather painful learning experience.

      Take care,

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