The mother has gone and we’re alone.  It’s a very odd feeling after her being here for so long.  I knew there would be some reaction after she left, and there was.  It wasn’t tears, grief, or even relief; but rather a sense of wanting to “reclaim our territory”.  The house, body and reactions almost feel as if they belonged to the mother while she is here.  I know that this is our sense of wanting to be the perfect daughter for her, but it’s quite disconcerting to look back on it and realise what had happened.

While she was here, we tried so hard to appear “normal”, and we quite often succeeded.  She was much more accepting of the times when any form of normalcy was impossible.  This gave us hope that she was more accepting of us, but that hope was put under question yesterday when she stated that she is going to come off the anti-depressants that she’s been on for the last year.  Our fear is that this accepting attitude will disappear when the drugs wear off.  I know that the drugs have shown that she can be accepting, but that acceptance was covered up by her inability to cope with what life sent her way.  She hasn’t been in therapy or learned new skills to cope with life, so with the drug leaving her system, will those stressors mean that she will again not be able to cope?

When we got back from dropping the mother off at the airport, S ended up calling Matthew.  It turns out his intentions have changed from talking to his house mate, to something else.  This was the trigger for a night of self-injury.  We’ve just cleaned the house, mowed the lawns and did some gardening to distract and possibly punish ourselves for allowing S to come forward and act out.  Which of course infers that we have some control over the switching, which we don’t *sigh*.

We have a two week break from sessions with Liz as she goes on holiday.  She asked if we wanted to text her while she was away, we said “No, we’ll be fine”.  Liz said that she knew we would be fine because we were survivors and had the skills to ensure that no matter what happened, we will still function.  I think she has more faith in our ability to not self-destruct than we do.

Now playing: Brooke Fraser – C S Lewis Song’
via FoxyTunes


4 Responses to “Alone”

  1. 1 Ivory August 31, 2009 at 4:02 am

    You’ve had a tough go of it. I cannot imagine my mother staying with me – she hates me that much. I think, tho, that when your mother gets off her meds, her own demons will again take over.

    I couldn’t help but smile at your last sentence about Liz having more faith in you than you do. My T says the same thing about me. I wonder if we have such a sensitive view of how different we are that we see “fitting in” as more of an issue than it really is! I’ll have to give this more thot…

    Have a good day.

    • 2 castorgirl August 31, 2009 at 3:01 pm

      Hi Ivory,

      My fear is that she’ll go right back to how she was before, which will be awful. I really hope we’re both wrong and she’ll be more resilient…

      I can see why out therapists have that level of faith in us. We are survivors. I just know that I can lose that level of functioning and saneness really quickly if I’m badly triggered and descend into a loop of flashbacks. I think you’re right, we are more sensitive as to whether we feel as if we are fitting in or not. It’s very easy to feel crazier than what we probably are.

      Take care,

  2. 3 Paul August 31, 2009 at 8:53 am

    I don’t know what it will be like when you mother comes off her meds. Maybe in the end she won’t. Or maybe when she does, she will realize she needs them and go back. You don’t know exactly how this will play out, so try to take it slowly and see what happens.

    I am more concerned about Matthew. This, tied with Liz going away, is a recipe for “something not good to happen”. So, I hope you use this time to reach out to those who care for you. You do have a support network, inside and out.


    • 4 castorgirl August 31, 2009 at 3:10 pm

      It’s a wait and see situation with the mother and her meds… I’m hopeful that she’ll be able to come off them easily and not go back to how she was functioning before. The driver for her returning to them would actually be the sister-in-law who tends to be very hard work. Mother said she could tolerate the SIL more easily on the drugs and her behaviour didn’t annoy or wind her up as much.

      I’m not sure what I can do regarding Matthew. I’ve deleted his phone numbers from the phone, but S got them somehow. The call to him on Saturday night led to acting out, but it was frustrating for S as the other participants weren’t playing by her rules. She’s definitely feeling annoyed with me as she told Matthew that I “don’t have the power I think I do” within the system. She’s quite right in many ways. I just keep some level of communication going between the floors and act as the fronting state and filter for the others. I don’t have any power as such.

      One day at a time :)

      Take care,

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