Trying to eliminate the dirty feeling

I’m not sure if it’s because of our mild OCD tendencies or control issues, but when we get a sense that something is dirty because of any abuse or sexual context, we find it very hard to go back to it.  This is only when it pertains to something that has happened to us, if anyone tells us something about themselves, there’s no problem.  So it’s all about self-hatred and self-disgust.  This is what happened with this blog after our entry Dirty and disgusting.  There was a need to delete the blog and everything to do with the incident.  It had become dirty by association and needed to be eliminated.  This sort of thinking has meant that we’ve abandoned or destroyed all sorts of things over the years.  If we’re unable to compartmentalise and suppress the incidents, we need to get as much distance between us and any reminders as possible.

To try and eliminate the feeling about the blog, we tried to write an entry about a totally unrelated concept during lunch yesterday.  But, on the way home M pointed out how flawed the thinking was, so we had to delete it.  This brings us to this entry.  We’re trying to minimise the feeling of dirtiness by talking directly about it.  I don’t know if it will work or not, but it’s worth a try.  We may still need to change the layout or move the blog, I’m not sure.

When we’re like this, we have a tendency to throw up more walls, so our comments become more left field than usual (sorry Paul, you got the sharp end of an example of that); or are obviously without any sense of compassion as our “no affective response” protectors make their presence felt.  Usually I can stop the commenting when we’re at this level of functioning, but not always.  I suppose that’s a sign that our mental health is on a downward spiral, just need to find something to reverse the trend or find a plateau.


4 Responses to “Trying to eliminate the dirty feeling”

  1. 1 jumpinginpuddles August 26, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    i also feel as you do about icky stuff, thankyou for helping me know im not alone


  2. 2 castorgirl August 26, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    Hi Amelia,
    Thank you so much for letting us know that we’re not the only ones who react like this…
    Take care,

  3. 3 Paul from Mind Parts August 30, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    There is no need to apologize for anything. Especially in the blog community. We are here to support each other in what I have a called an excellent “group therapy” experience.

    You are not expected to be any “one way” out here. You are dealing with difficult issues and you will have conflicts inside. We accept you for who you are. All of you. I wanted you to know that.


  4. 4 castorgirl August 30, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    We learn through acknowledging our mistakes, it’s something we need to do to try and ease our perfectionalism. Although it can feed our self-hatred, so it’s a fine balance. Still trying to find the best balance with this, but we’re working on it. It just makes us feel awful if we’ve commented badly on someone’s blog – we’ve made our issues someone else’s problem, and that isn’t fair.

    Thank you for your understanding Paul. It means a great deal to us.

    Take care,

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August 2009
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