Dirty and disgusting

Note:  This post may trigger due to sexual references.

It’s not been a good day.  We were meant to go over to Tauranga to see the ocean, but the mother woke up with a cold, so those plans were cancelled.  This meant that we were left on our own for most of the day as the mother tried to sleep the cold away.  In the morning this was fine, we went out and cleared our mail from the post office and found that a series of DVDs we’d ordered from England had arrived a week earlier than expected – yay for Amazon.uk and the Royal Mail!  When we got home there was an email from our American friend.  In that two line email, he managed to make us feel dirty, disgusting and used.  He was manipulating us into trying to scare away his current housemate who thinks that dissociation is fun, he thought the way to do this was for S to talk to her and then have phone sex with her.

S was used to please women during the CSA.  She knows how to please women as well as men.  Our friend wanted to use that ability.  It’s been a long time since we’ve felt that used and manipulated.  We know it’s the wrong thing to do, but S feels an irresistible pull to please our friend by doing what he bids.  The only thing that stopped the phone call was the mother being in the house.

We hadn’t heard from him in over a week, so thought he was finished with us.  We’d talked honestly about something that happened a few weeks ago involving S acting in a self-injurious way and he’d reacted in such an odd and negative way, that we thought he was disgusted in us.  But now he is blatantly trying to use our dysfunction for his own needs.  It’s been a struggle not to self-injure today.  S badly wanted to act out.  We tried going to take photos, but there were too many people around.  We felt too dirty to be near other people.  Children were everywhere and we had this fear that we would contaminate them with our filth by being near them.

Now playing: Death Cab for Cutie – I’ll follow you into the dark
via FoxyTunes


14 Responses to “Dirty and disgusting”

  1. 1 castorgirl August 22, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    Just to top the day off… was going to sell my old camera to the sister for her daughter’s use. Mother sent the text to see if it was wanted, the answer… Yes, she’ll buy it for $50 as long as she can use it as a birthday present with my name attached to it. How does this make any sense???? Sister is saying she’ll pay me for my present to her child…

    No no no no… If it’s going to be a birthday present, then no money changes hands. If it’s a straight purchase, she can pay the $50 and give it to her daughter at any time not associated with my name.

    When is this day going to end?

  2. 2 lostshadowchild August 23, 2009 at 2:03 am

    When I have read your post, it made me very sad. I would feel dirty and disgusting too :(
    I will never understand that your friend is able and wants to use and manipulate you in such horrible way. I wonder, whether somebody acts like this, is really someone, which you can call a friend. I don’t think so. Especially when he knows, that you have DID.
    I really hope that S. knows that she hurts the other inside you, if she would made this call. I hope she won’t do it. Making this call, is this the price for friendship???
    What you have written about your sister…. Maybe this is thus in dysfunctional families. I know it in a similar form. If my mother, for example, buy a present and gives this then in my name to my “producer” for his birthday :(
    Please take good care of you. Maybe you can try to distract yourself with the new DVDs a little….
    Wish I could write in better english to express my feelings, it really hurts… Thinking of you. many safe hugs if ok (((()))

    • 3 castorgirl August 24, 2009 at 5:45 pm

      Thank you (((LostShadowChild)))

      Your words meant a great deal to us all. We’re still not back in any sort of balance, but one moment at a time :)

      Take care my friend…
      B and Sophie :)

  3. 4 Ivory August 23, 2009 at 3:51 am

    Oh, my. The person you call your American friend, is not your friend at all. Let me see if I can explain it the way I feel it.

    You said you wondered if he was disgusted with you the last time you talked on the phone. I believe he was and here’s why. He believes the only way to rid himself of someone in his life is to disgust her and make her angry. That’s what he wants you for. If he didn’t believe you could be disgusting, he wouldn’t have asked.

    Firstly, a FRIEND would not ask you to do something like that. Secondly, a FRIEND would not ask you to do something so denigrating to S – he would be protective of you and of her.

    It doesn’t matter what S USED to do, it matters what she chooses to do now. I am sending courage to S and companionship to you. I’m sure you have more than one true friend in America, and it’s not the manipulator. You are strong and you are wise. S is very wise also, because I believe she would have found a way to make that call otherwise. (I know, Blue can and will do whatever she pleases – she’s just learned to make wiser decisions.)

    I know this all sounds so harsh. I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down, I’m just angry with Manipulator, and terribly worried about S. Keep us posted. Blog instead of injure, reach out instead of letting your past have your future. please.

    • 5 castorgirl August 24, 2009 at 5:49 pm

      Hi Ivory,

      I was wondering if he was trying to scare us away as well as the housemate. It was obviously a dissociated email, but whomever wrote it to us was there for a length of time as there were a couple of responses sent. We’ve encountered his dysfunction over the phone, but never to this extent. I know that we should break off contact with him, I’m hoping our pattern of pleasing men doesn’t mean we’ll be unable to do this.

      Thank you for your perspective :)

      Take care,
      B and Sophie :)

  4. 6 Paul August 23, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    I agree with Ivory. I have said this before. I think this is a situation that warrants your cutting things off. I don’t usually give advice so decidedly like this, but I see you getting hurt and it makes me very angry.

    And that is exactly what this is: you are getting hurt by your friend’s actions. You have enough trouble as it is without someone manipulating you. Abuse is all about manipulating and your “friend” does not view you as a friend now. He views you as someone he can use.

    You are worth more than that. Way more than that. I think all of you knows that you are more than what S represents. S is an aspect of you. She helped you cope and navigate and live in the world. But S is part of a system and the more you all know you are in this together, the more you will things need to be different now.

    You are healing. I know it’s very hard for you. And I know that you often do not see the healing, but I do see it. It’s very clear to me.

    Be gentle with yourself. You may feel dirty and disgusting, but you are not. I think “you” know that.


    • 7 castorgirl August 24, 2009 at 6:00 pm

      Hi Paul,

      We know you are right, we need to break all ties with him. He knows how to use our dissociation to hurt us or get whatever he wants from us. We escaped an abusive marriage for very similar reasons. We’ve tried getting clean. but we can’t. We know it’s psychological, but its so overpowering, that feeling of just being so disgusting that we shouldn’t be in allowed out in public.

      Last night there was an interesting program on TV about depression. One of the people being interviewed was a reporter for the 60 Minutes style of program, who also suffered from depression. He was once told that everyone needs at least two people who they could go to at 2am and just lose it without fear of rejection or retribution. This is what we used to feel with Matthew, but no longer.

      S feels the pull to do what Matthew asks. This was her conditioning. It’s hard for all of us to understand this, but we’re trying. Liz suggested trying to give her a different role, but this isn’t something that can be done overnight.

      Thank you for your caring support Paul. We’re all a little stunned and don’t think we deserve it at all.

      Take care,
      B and Sophie :)

  5. 8 davidrochester August 23, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    That is not a friend by any definition, at least not now. This person may have been genuinely supportive or good for you in the past, but that request has crossed a boundary. Like Paul, I think that person needs to be out of your collective life — not because of the temptation to S, but because of the blatant and cruel disrespect.

    Please know that I am keeping S in my thoughts with compassion and care for her suffering.

    • 9 castorgirl August 24, 2009 at 6:16 pm

      Hi David,

      S is such a fighter that she would challenge any attempt to be treated with compassion :)

      She has such strict boundaries or a sense of who people really are that it blows me away. She would never knowingly hurt another person, but is ready to protect the rest of us from the sexual needs of others. She has acted out in a self-destructive manner several times, but it has always been aimed at self-injury and the other parties were always consenting adults. This is also why she didn’t really have a problem with what Matthew asked, she doesn’t consider herself worthy of respect. It was only when I read the emails that there was the negative reaction. We’re still trying to re-group.

      Take care and thank you for your support,
      B and Sophie :)

      • 10 davidrochester August 26, 2009 at 5:34 pm

        One of the hardest things for my system to figure out is the difference between compassion and pity. I don’t feel sorry for S — she’s tough as nails. I do wish things were easier for her; she deserves a break. :-)

        • 11 castorgirl August 26, 2009 at 7:57 pm

          You’re right David, we can’t tell the difference between compassion and pity. Any sort of emotion that isn’t negative and we are lost with no idea what to do with it.

          Take care…

  6. 12 kate1975 September 6, 2009 at 3:54 pm


    I’m sorry this happened. This guy is an abuser, he is a user. He is dirty and disgusting, not yous.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  1. 1 Trying to eliminate the dirty feeling « Scattered pieces… Trackback on August 26, 2009 at 12:46 pm

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