Losing myself… over and over

The last few months have been interesting ones to reflect on.  I can spot within the blog entries the points at which I’ve been suicidal, trying to reach out and at what point I shut down and went back to the “everything is fine” mindset.  This is the one of the big advantages of blogging – the ability to reflect back on your thinking.

So I sit here, listening to Missy Higgins and wonder how I can keep going and in which direction to go.  I know that I am losing myself again.  I know I do this regularly.  I get lost, confused and overwhelmed.  I then seem to find some sort of plateau that seems safe for awhile – almost like finding a clearing in the forest.  I’m deep in the forest now and I’ve got no idea which direction to turn.

Having the mother here is difficult.  I have issues about the sound of people eating or breathing – yeah, I know it’s weird.  I can’t stand the sound of either, it seems to get amplified in my head and drives me crazy.  Unfortunately the mother does both fairly loudly.  I wish I could say that I love her and this is the only problem, but in all honesty I don’t love her.  I know some of us feel happy when she is around, but there are no tears when she leaves.  We don’t mind her being here for a short time, but we’d prefer it if she was only here for a very short time.  I know this sounds ungrateful, disrespectful and as if it’s breaking some law of nature.  But I don’t feel anything much towards her.  I also don’t feel hatred, I know that much.

Part of the reason is that I have never felt like a person around her.  If I was noticed, it was as a medical condition, an A+ grade at school, thin, fat, loud, silent, the mistake…  I was never “Michelle”.  This de-humanisation has been present throughout my life.  At the wedding, it became more about what the sister-in-law wanted rather than anything to do with me or the now ex-husband.  This feeling of being an object is what I tried to capture in one of the very first Polyvore sets I did…

I was a silhouette that had no soul, no place and no voice.  I can hear some in the background telling me not to be so melodramatic :)  I apologise, I’m in a rather odd mood.

Yesterday while out mowing the lawns, we decided to give Liz another try.  It was interesting reading through the comments to our entry about our journey with therapists (a BIG thank you to those who contributed).  Our reaction to the comments summed up our history – if it was possible to read into any of them that the whole issue was our fault, we would; if it was possible to read into it that it was the fault of the therapist; we would internally defend them.  It was a replica of our attitude towards our abusers…

Anyway, we’ve decided to give seeing Liz another go.  We don’t have any strong objections to her methodologies (although the religion issue is a big red flag).  Many of our issues with her are about her habits, for example turning her cell phone to vibrate mode.  I’m a little stunned that none of her other clients have found this an issue.  One of the major issues is that we are unable to communicate an issue as it occurs.  Because of this, we couldn’t say “Liz, we find it uncomfortable that you look at your cell phone while we are having a session”.  We sent an email to her to explain some of the issues and to see if she thought therapy was what we needed right now.  She responded that maybe the relationship issues with therapists is something that needs to be part of my healing (or words to that effect).  I agree with this, but also know that I’ve let bad therapeutic relationships go on for too long when they’ve hurt and been destructive.  I don’t trust my own judgement on what to do at a very basic level.  I, as the object doesn’t have a direction…

Now playing: Missy Higgins – Stuff and nonsense
via FoxyTunes


10 Responses to “Losing myself… over and over”

  1. 1 gracie et al August 9, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    omg – i cannot stand the sound of my mother chewing, or anyone for that matter, but especially my mother. i think it has something to do my anorexia and the relationship my mnother and i had due to that – ie she was laways tryign to fix me with food, which never worked and never works. anyway – it is just interesting to know that others are bugged by chewing !

  2. 2 castorgirl August 9, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    We once wigged out and told someone to “shut up” when they were chewing food :( I HATE work lunches, morning teas etc. All those people sitting around eating. We had one woman at our previous workplace that no one wanted to sit next to during work lunches because she was such a gross eater – and that came from people who don’t have food issues. It’s something that’s been with us since primary school. Glad I’m not the only one, but it sure feels crazy…

  3. 3 Paul from Mind Parts August 10, 2009 at 3:22 am

    I’m not too able to provide that great a response. Just want you to know that you are in our thoughts. And a big thank you for telling us about Missy Higgins. She’s wonderful.

    Your image reminds me of the times when I feel dehumanized. This is a common feeling for us. Not that good.


    • 4 castorgirl August 10, 2009 at 10:55 am

      Hi Paul,

      This is a difficult post to respond to and you have issues of your own that you’re working on… I would like to say that it’s good to know we’re thought of, but it’s actually scary to know that. It means someone might see us. *Sigh* I get so sick of this circular, self-defeating thinking…

      Missy Higgins does some great work. Check out Warm whispers if you haven’t already :)

      It’s interesting looking at the image many months after we first did it. The sexualisation of the images, the blankness of the silhouette… not good, but yet so accurate.

      Take care of yourself…
      (((warm hugs))) if they are wanted :)

  4. 5 davidrochester August 10, 2009 at 7:22 am

    Just letting you know I’m here, and listening. I’m very impressed that you’ve decided to give Liz another chance, and that you are working so hard to figure out how to communicate with her about the ruptures and problems you’re having … because I really think the only accurate way to gauge whether she is in fact a good therapist is by how she responds to your sensitive points, objections, and vulnerabilities in the therapeutic relationship.

    Debbie said something really fascinating to me in my last session, which hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was telling her that some of my confusion with Beth had to do with the fact that her hurtful behaviors are the same as hurtful behaviors people have shown to me in the past, and so it’s hard for the system not to decide that Beth is just like all those other hurtful people. But Ian, whom I know to be right, is adamant that Beth is trustworthy. So the disconnect is confusing.

    Debbie said, “There’s a big difference between someone being trustworthy, and someone always doing or saying the right thing, or what you want them to do or say. There’s a limited range of ways that people can hurt other people … and trustworthy people will hurt you, and they’ll hurt you in ways that look familiar, because that’s inevitable. The difference is in *why* they hurt you, and what they do once they know they’ve hurt you.”

    This seemed to me a very useful tool.

    • 6 castorgirl August 10, 2009 at 11:06 am

      I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… Debbie is good :) Yes, she’ll make mistakes – she is human after all. But there is a professionalism and skill that acts as a basis for her work.

      What Debbie describes is exactly the reason why I don’t trust my own reactions to things. I know on some level that I’m being triggered and reading too much into things. I know that my memory acts in such a way that I remember the oddest things that most people don’t consider important. Combining these two factors means that I can mess myself around so much with second-guessing. It was interesting that the decision to see Liz again was made while mowing the lawn – usually means that it was someone from The Basement or Ellie’s floor influencing the decision. They can often see more clearly through the reason why we are hurting.

      We still don’t know if Liz is someone we should trust on a fundamental level, but we’re going to give it another go :)

      Take care of yourself please…

  5. 7 srose2you August 10, 2009 at 9:50 am

    I too am glad that you are giving Liz another try. Also, you are not alone with the frustration of the buzzing cell phone. I had to mention it 3 times before I got so mad that at the beginning of one session, I told her to please put her phone on “quiet” going forward and that I would show her how if she didn’t know…I haven’t had a problem since. Maybe you can put it in email in explicit terms?

    Ruptures..hate them..but they can bring about progress in other ways but it does take courage to break through them…

    David- I love the way your T explained the difference. Good words of wisdom.

    • 8 castorgirl August 10, 2009 at 12:40 pm

      I was starting to wonder if Liz doesn’t know how to turn the cell phone to a silent mode, she’s not all that technologically savvy. She thought the blog I set up for my daily emotional diary was amazing, not run of the mill :) So your suggestion about showing her how to set up the phone is a good one – thank you.

  6. 9 Kerro August 10, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    CG, I’m not sure what I can say that others haven’t already said. I’m also pleased you’ve decided to give Liz another go. :)

    I’m sorry you felt so dehumanised. You do capture this beautifully in your creative piece. Thank you for sharing it.

    I also like Missy Higgins – such a lovely voice and such beautiful lyrics.

    (((Hugs))) Kerro

    • 10 castorgirl August 11, 2009 at 1:27 pm

      Hi (((Kerro)))

      Missy Higgins has such a lovely voice :) I often listen to her or Brooke Fraser when I want to relax and soothe.

      We’re hopefully going to see Liz next week, she’s away at the moment.

      Take care :)

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