Broken heap on the floor

On Thursday we got a call from ACC.  After three months deliberation on our case, they made one minor change.  M asked how our corrections to the report had been factored into this decision.  ACC response – what corrections?  They had never received them, or lost them.  To put this into context, we started this process in February of last year, it’s gone through about five different variations on the report and now gone to mediation.  It took us two weeks and a lot of strength to write those corrections which involved correcting the details of our abuse and more devastatingly, writing anywhere for the first time that the father sexually abused us.  So this was highly confidential, soul destroying information… and they LOST it!  It could have ended up anywhere, anyone could have been reading it – it had our name, address and everything on it.

When I’ve told people this, their immediate response is “Oh no, do you have a copy on your computer?”  Yes, of course we do.  I know that’s the reasonable response you give to an adult.  But SO holds the secrets on that bit of paper and she is 7.  All she sees is that we should never have told the secrets cos it’s bad and lots of people read it and it’s bad and we’s get into trouble and we’s bad and evil and it all our fault.  It becomes a mantra that we’re bad and evil for telling.  W and SO are closely linked within the system.  SO gets upset and W will react.  This action meant a call to the mental health crisis line on Thursday night to stop the suicide.  In typical form with our interactions with this team, the connection was bad and they were going to call back.  They did eventually – on Saturday.  We had the usual conversation:

Crisis Line: You’re suicidal, lets bring you in for an assessment.
Us: No thanks, your only option is hospital and that isn’t an option for me.
Crisis Line: No, we also have community placements or agree to regular contact for a week to see how you’re going.  We can also get you in to see one of our community psychiatrists.

Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?  Almost like they will be able to help.

Us: In my experience that has never happened.  I’ve been promised community placement, only to end up in the psychiatric ward.  I’ve had phone calls daily from your team and they’re more triggering than helpful.
Crisis Line: Well I’m sorry that has been your experience, let us know if we can help.

I know that those of you who haven’t experienced their services will say I’m being stupid for rejecting this assistance.  I know that they have saved many lives.  But our issues with authority and psychiatric hospitals mean that they are more likely to kill than save us.  We call them for the distraction, nothing more.

One of us called them again on Saturday night and we ended up being hauled in for an assessment.  It was hell.  We need peaceful surroundings and control when we’re suicidal.  But last night it was raining and there was international rugby on TV.  Those two factors meant that a great deal of the homeless had decided to be suicidal that night in order to watch the rugby, have a shower, get a meal and warm bed.  The shelters would’ve been overwhelmed, and they know that if you say you’re suicidal, they have to admit you.

We managed to get out of the hospital and get to the relative safety of home.  But we’re a mess.  The oddest things are triggering.  We know that people need to talk about how they cope with sex as a survivor.  But today, it’s too much.  It’s become about others not being safe – cos all sex hurts.

We’re in trouble and I don’t know how to fix it.

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6 Responses to “Broken heap on the floor”


  1. 1 Ivory July 19, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Castorgirl,

    I am so very sorry that you are in such a frustrating place right now. I wish I could do something or say something to help you. I wish you had a better “on site” support system, too.

    Please keep posting, hopefully time will slow down the suicidal thots.

    • 2 M July 20, 2009 at 6:23 pm

      Hello Ivory,

      Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I’m sorry that my language doesn’t have the softness to convey that thanks appropriately – Sophie and B are not present at the moment and they are much better at this social thing. We are still struggling with it all and I’m not quite sure how we are going to resolve it.

      Kind regards
      M

  2. 3 lostshadowchild July 19, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    Omg…. I’m so sorry that all this worst happened at the same time.
    I can’t understand that the first reaction of people is a remark like “Oh no, do you have a copy on your computer”???? :( Why don’t they understand, that the loss of such confidential documents is a unbelievable betrayal from the people in the ACC of the little ones who holds the secrets :( I understand why SO and W react like this. How on earth should they ever trust again??? It would be the same in my system if something so bad would happen to us. And most ugly is, that you are dependent from the ACC :( It makes me so sad :(
    I hope you find a way, that you cope with the mess. I’m thinking of you. Send a lots safe, warm hugs to all who want them.
    Have you call Liz? Would that help?

    • 4 M July 20, 2009 at 6:31 pm

      Hello LostShadowChild,

      I know why the first reaction is to see about a back-up, it would be tied to having to do all that work again. So it makes sense that this is the first thing they ask. But you’re right, it was a very distant concern when compared to the fear about who had been reading our information. We found out this morning that the files had been sitting in the case managers email account the whole time. She hadn’t done anything with them, but at least they were fairly secure.

      In many ways we’re lucky to be under the care of ACC, as there is no way we’d be able to afford therapy without them. But the power they have over us because of that is scary.

      We contacted Liz, but there was little she could do beside assure us that we can work with her to get through the crisis.

      Kind regards
      M

  3. 5 mindparts July 21, 2009 at 7:27 am

    I’m so sorry this happened in the way it happened. I so wish for all my friends online that there exists all over the world the same resources we have in Boston. I wish I could change that. But, you could all move to Boston and things would be solved!!! :)

    • 6 castorgirl July 22, 2009 at 3:27 pm

      I like the idea Paul :) There might be questions raised as to why there was a sudden increase in the number of DID clients in the Boston area – can imagine some researcher making all sorts of inferences about that one… lol


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