Triggers and jobs

I could do without triggers and a job at the moment.  Life would be much simpler without them!  So far this week:

1)  30 sq.m. of office space was taken from the office at work.  This meant that the two people we get on with, have moved out of the office.  This is good for them, in that they are further away from the drama and poisonous environment that exists in the library.  But it’s really bad for us.  We’re not going to talk to people unless we’re doing a desk shift now, so our grip on reality is going to lessen.

The new wall is partially up – along with the associated noise, disruption etc.  This has caused the library staff, who were already stressed, to basically turn on each other.  Several of the woman we work with have a tendency to speak before they think.  One in particular will get upset and fly off the handle with very little provocation.  She needs to have tight control over everything and if that control is threatened, then there will be fireworks.  The problem is, that she often moans about it all to our cynical friend, who just doesn’t have the emotional reserves to cope with anything else.

2)  We carried out a major system upgrade this week.  So all week we’ve been testing different aspects of the system and how the new library catalogue will appear.  It was all going OK, until it did a false “live” status on Thursday morning.  That meant that our cynical friend got caught off-guard with an off-line upload which she knew wasn’t meant to happen, but couldn’t stop.  Then today, when we finally went live.  Suddenly it was doing weird things with the images and giving temporary location statuses which were unnecessary.  Everyone came and complained to us individually about it – like we were meant to magically fix the stupid thing.

3)  Because of factors 1 and 2 as well as her husband being told his cancer is now stage IV, our cynical friend has had several melt-downs at work – bursting into tears, having to go for a walk to calm down etc.  She wrote her resignation letter on Thursday morning while still crying her eyes out.  I managed to tell her to wait until next week to hand it in, to give herself the chance to calm down.

4)  Because of factors 1-3, we’ve been self-injuring daily.  When we talked to Liz on Monday, we had to rate the severity and regularity of our self-injury.  We rarely cut, but our self-injury ranges from the subtle to the severe and occurs daily.  That was a scary realisation.  That realisation led to another round of self-injury.  M has stated that one of our goals with Liz is to try and work on hating this body a little less – she’s thinking big picture, as she knows it won’t happen overnight.  Liz gave us a time-frame of 18 months to being better, I hope she’s right.

5)  A friend shared something positive with us, but it caused so much confusion and hurt.  Nothing they did, purely our screwed up responses to a normal situation.  The image they provided of innocence, got so caught up in our past that we couldn’t cope with it.  I got overwhelmed by the young ones screaming that the girl would be hurt.  Sometimes its really easy to believe that we’re making up events from the past, then something like that happens and it stops you in your tracks.  Why would we react that way if we were making it all up?

6)  Matthew (our American friend) has returned to prostitution.  We’re all so worried about him.  It’s his choice, but he’s hurting, is going to get hurt further and there’s nothing we can do about it.

7)  Mother is moving in with us for the month of August.  Yup, the whole month.

I know that Zombie by The Cranberries is a protest song about Northern Ireland, but many of the lyrics also are relevant to what goes on in this head – the bombs and guns are like the triggers which cause the violence, silence and crying…

Now playing: The Cranberries – Zombie
via FoxyTunes
watch via YouTube


16 Responses to “Triggers and jobs”

  1. 1 amylane2701 July 11, 2009 at 5:37 am

    I’ve always related to that song too. Am worried for you, thinking of you x

  2. 3 lostshadowchild July 11, 2009 at 11:05 am

    omg.. this week was really awful for you :(
    I’m sorry about the self-injuries. I hope you find a way to stop it.It’s good you talk to Liz about it.
    and what you have written about Matthew…. :( this is really, really sad :( It’s his decision but it’s worse that there was no other way for him (does he needs the money?)

    take good care and many warm, safe hugs (((())))

    btw. I like the song Zombie too

    • 4 castorgirl July 11, 2009 at 6:32 pm

      Thank you (((lostshadowchild)))
      We didn’t want to talk about self-injury, but it’s another thing that ACC demanded to know about – they need to know how bad we are or else they won’t fund our therapy.
      He does need the money, but it’s also another form of self-injury. I just hope he doesn’t get badly hurt.
      I’m glad I’m not the only one who likes that song :)
      Take care…

  3. 5 mindparts July 11, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    I’m very very sorry things are so hard for you, the measure of which is based on your SI’ing. I have faith in you. You’ve got immense courage. Paul.

  4. 7 Ivory July 11, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    I so feel what you are going thru. Hopefully things will begin to settle down. Is it that you don’t like yourself that you cut? I cut when I can no longer cope with change, fear, or pain. A little will get my attention that way, sort of a wake up call when she doesn’t know what else to do.

    Trying to cope with all the change has to be very difficult, and I’m sorry that your favorite coworker has moved to a different location.

    • 8 castorgirl July 11, 2009 at 6:38 pm

      The self-injury happens in various ways for various reasons. We haven’t cut in months, which confuses the mental health professionals who see cutting as the only form of self-injury. Thankfully(?) Liz doesn’t just define self-injury as cutting, so was asking how we injured. She didn’t ask why as she knew we were already pretty far gone into our own world by that stage. We used to describe the self-injury as a “deal, but not a major deal”…

      Just one day at a time, right? :)

      • 9 lostshadowchild July 11, 2009 at 8:31 pm

        cutting the only way of self injury ?? :(
        how professional :(
        these guys are stupid :(

        • 10 castorgirl July 12, 2009 at 12:31 am

          It’s a common perception over here, that the only way to self-injure is to cut. I know it makes no sense to those of us who struggle with self-injury, but that’s how it is in some areas…

          • 11 lostshadowchild July 12, 2009 at 4:37 am

            Yes, I understand. It’s…. I have to go to a health professional next Friday myself and I’m really afraid of it.
            I had hard to fight that I may go to a female specialist. It’s impossible for me to tell a men what the have done with me :(
            She should write a report and this report is very important for me.

  5. 12 castorgirl July 12, 2009 at 8:38 am

    I know how hard it can be to go to those appointments. I dread them and work myself up over them for weeks, when in reality all we can do is go to the appointment and be as honest as possible. Do you have a support person going with you? Even if they don’t go in with you, they could sit outside and take you to and from the appointment.

    I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.
    (((warm safe hugs))) to those who want them :)
    Take care…

  6. 13 kerro July 12, 2009 at 10:42 am

    CG, I’m so sorry you’ve had such a god-awful week. I know the incessant pull of self-injury all too well. Please take care.

  7. 15 Shen July 13, 2009 at 9:45 am

    I really feel for you and truly understand where you are. I’m sorry you are hurting yourself. I know what it’s like not to be able to stop.
    You will stop when you are ready.
    There is always hope.

    Do you have a therapist? Mine has helped me tremendously.

    • 16 castorgirl July 13, 2009 at 6:02 pm

      Hi Shen,

      Yes, I’m seeing a therapist (Liz). But our relationship is a fairly new one as I’ve only been seeing her for about three months. It’s only been in the last two weeks that we’ve felt as if she will be able to help us, so we haven’t even touched on self-injury.

      Take care…

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