We were going to take a break from writing here for a couple of weeks to try and get everything sorted out, but things have happened.  Some of them are good – like getting an interview for the job we applied for.  Some of them are not so good – like the mother deciding to quit her job and talking about moving up here for six months to get out of the hometown.

Everything is scary again.  It’s our birthday in a couple of weeks and the mother is going to come up for the week to be with us.  We should feel glad that she is going to come up, but we feel scared.  We should feel happy that we’ve got a job interview, but we’re terrified.

We’re losing so much time and losing our train of thought so quickly it’s hard to focus on anything.  A short email to our American friend took an hour to write.  Just craziness.

We try to look for ways to simplify our life.  Not sure if the job down South will simplify or complicate things.

Talking to Liz in therapy this week was not good and wound us up more.  She set homework, which we completed.  When she looked at it she said it wasn’t what she was expecting – didn’t say what she was expecting, just that what we had done wasn’t it.  She played word games with W by saying that the father “missed her”.  To an eight year old, that means that he physically missed her.  But Liz was putting meanings behind it which W was not able to grasp alone.

We talked with Liz about the frustration of her trying to ground us by listing three things we can see, touch and feel each week.  These techniques really grates in that we have little physical sense of our body, are hearing impaired and our vision narrows significantly with stress.  Liz counters with the theory that if we expect the same, we’ll get the same.  We agree with this, but you can’t expect significant changes to happen in a week.  It’s frustrating when you read articles about moving on to another therapist when the one you are seeing isn’t working out, isn’t a trauma specialist etc.  But what if there are no other therapists in your town?

We’re losing that sense of hope that we had for awhile.  We’re now starting to realise how much damage the incidents with Bob caused to the system regarding evicting a part as a way to move forward.  Ian (theroyalus) once said that no therapy was better than bad therapy.  We now believe him.


12 Responses to “Update”

  1. 1 Paul May 20, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    You did a wonderful job with your homework. Really powerful. Do keep writing if it helps you get through the next couple weeks. I can understand how difficult it is for you. I agree with Liz on her grounding skills. She’s starting with three things, but you may find some other approach works better for you. Grounding is practice and a lot of experimentation.

  2. 2 castorgirl May 20, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    Thank you Paul :)

    Our frustration with the grounding techniques are that she is using the same ones every week. We’ve said that we have problems with them, but they’re still the ones she uses. I know this is in great part due to our intolerance of failure – we can’t do it so we either keep on trying until we succeed, or we avoid it because we know we’ll fail. We do have other grounding techniques which work, but they’re not ones which work well when in therapy (doing dishes, housework etc). We’re often so wound up during the sessions that even the breathing exercises (which sometimes work) are enough to bring a feeling of dissociation and going into a trance.

    Take care…

  3. 3 Rachel May 20, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    It frustrates me that you aren’t able to make yourself heard – that her grounding techniques aren’t working for you. Surely she should be more concerned about finding something that works for YOU (everyone is different right? And from what I know of trauma theory, it is more important to get the brakes working before you start pushing on the accelerator. So what works for you should be more important).


    • 4 castorgirl May 21, 2009 at 8:50 am

      I just don’t know what to think about it all Rachel. My thinking is definitely not rational at the moment, so it’s hard to separate what is a poor therapeutic fit with us putting up road blocks.

      It’s also difficult in that because we’ve been in therapy for awhile, we’re sort of an open wound in many ways. There was an increased amount of communication and sharing that occurred because of the way in which the ACC system works. So we had to share more than we were comfortable with from the start of our therapy, and now it constantly feels like we’re trying to claw back control. Meanwhile Liz is trying to work out what in the world she’s dealing with so is poking at things that we can’t deal with.

  4. 5 Ivory May 21, 2009 at 1:32 am

    If your T isn’t experienced enough, she should do some research until SHE gets it right.

    I’m so sorry that you haven’t enough therapists around where you live. Still, I think you have a say in your treatment – she should back off and find a way to help you. Maybe that should be in your exercise: Say this, “One way I feel is angry with you for not listening.” “Something I touch is my sadness at feeling like I can’t get it right, for you.” “Something I see daily is confusion and strife.”

    Sorry, I can be a smart @$$ sometimes.

    Hang in there, tho. I have found great comfort in blogging and knowing others feel like I feel, share my pain, and have valid opinions. Don’t go away and stop writing to us, we will all be here for you.


    • 6 castorgirl May 21, 2009 at 8:55 am

      Thing is Ivory, Liz is the one who has experience with other DID clients. She is meant to be skilled in this area. We walked out early on the session on Monday – we had the need to run about 5 minutes into the session, but lasted for about 40 minutes. We said we had to go, so we didn’t just get up and leave. But it will be interesting to see how it goes when we go back and see her in about 3 weeks.

  5. 7 lostshadowchild May 21, 2009 at 4:49 am

    Yep, we will be here for you. It’s so much at the moment you must look and handle. I hope you can clear everything, so that you feel better. I also hope you can fly to the interview on Monday and it runs well for you.
    I have problems with many of the grounding techniques too, I tried many things to find one which works in therapy. Now, I use a willow ball :) I can’t feel the ball, but I concentrate to recognise the structure of the ball with my hands and eyes. I have no idea why this works, but regardless, the main thing is, it helps sometimes.

    Please take good care and warm save hugs to all who want (((())))

  6. 8 castorgirl May 21, 2009 at 9:00 am

    Hi lostshadowchild,

    We use a soft crocodile key ring toy in a similar way to your willow ball. Maybe we need to try something more solid than the toy??? Thank you for sharing that tip, we’ll try something more firm that doesn’t have any sharp edges :)

    We’ll let you know how the interview goes. Usually M fronts for interviews and Sophie does the more social interactions. This usually works despite their rather different personalities. We’re having to do a teaching demonstration and an interview, so it will be a very long and stressful day.

    Take care and (((warm safe hugs))) to those who want them :)

  7. 9 Ivory May 21, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Oh. I’m so sorry for your frustration. It seems that Liz would be better at this if she is experienced. Could she be having personal problems? Or has she always been this way?

    I think, you should confront her – in a nice way, of course – and find out what is behind the attitude. It’s very important because tho you might understand, littles may not. They may need clearer understanding and a bit of attention about it. But like I said, we will all be here for you.

    (((hugs and warm hearts)))


  8. 10 jumpinginpuddles May 21, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    I am wondering if tehre is more than just frustration at your T are you also frustrated at teh system you are trying to get to know and having trouble understanding?

  9. 11 Rachel May 22, 2009 at 1:39 am

    I hear that it is difficult to know whether to challenge or not, whether it is your defenses or hers, but it seems to me that if something just isn’t working for you and is unsafe (especially if it is unsafe) then you are totally right to make that clear to her. She should be keeping you safe first, and then only then ‘digging’

  10. 12 Baron von Rochester May 22, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    That’s very frustrating about Liz. While grounding techniques do take practice, it’s equally true that some people don’t respond well to commonly-taught practices. I sure as heck didn’t, and I was grateful to my T for not pressing the issue.

    I agree that no therapy is better than bad therapy … it would be so much easier if bad therapy were easier to recognize. It’s very confusing.

    Thinking of you, with much love.

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