Not invisible

We’re not invisible.  We did a set on Polyvore called Layers and people are adding it to their favourites.  W is going crazy… she’s screaming for us to be invisible again.  She was the one who had most of the input into the set, she thought it was awful and ugly and disgusting.  She can’t just take it down, because other people have commented on it now, if you remove it they’ll think we’re crazy.  It will look like we’re attention seeking, and she doesn’t want any attention from anyone.

Need to be invisible.
No one can hurt if you’re invisible.
No one can hurt you if you’re not there.

She was wanting to self-injure, but did the set instead.  It eased the need to hurt, but the result of the mild attention caused by the set has triggered her through the roof.  She did something really positive as a coping strategy, and the result ended up with a bigger trigger than the original urge…


16 Responses to “Not invisible”

  1. 1 Baron von Rochester April 13, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Might it be possible for W to express herself, but for her work to be kept private? I don’t know how Polyvore works, but is there an option for your account not to be seen by other users?

  2. 2 castorgirl April 13, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    Polyvore is one of the few sites where there are no privacy options. What’s worse is that several people have commented on how creepy the set is. W is 8 and highly literate. How do you explain to an 8 year old that something they created to get some terrible feelings out is positive when several people have said that it’s creepy?

    None of the people commenting would have any idea what the impact of their words are. There is a description underneath the set which details that this represents our self-disgust and a feeling of dirtiness, but people rarely read descriptions.

    We’re just going to curl up on the couch and try to forget the world for a little bit :)

    Thank you…

  3. 3 Samo April 14, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    I know. Its such a tug of war to explain to beautiful little child that their emotions are valid, when people who don’t even read the descriptions say they’re creepy.

    Sitting besides you, offering understanding.

  4. 5 me April 14, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    Hi W

    It’s me – another invisible one – talking to you and I would like to say to you I know how hard is to listen to people – who can’t understand us – talking nonsense about ourselves.

    Because they don’t know what they are doing/saying, I am apologizing to you on their behalf.

    And I’d like to offer you a tip to make other people unable to talk nonsense again, ok? So, next time here are three steps you can do to make them unable to talk nonsense:

    step One: as soon as you finish you collage, make a printscreen of it and delete it from the polyvore site;
    step Two: save the printscreen and put it on your blog,
    step Three: you have all the necessary control over the comments.

    does this make any sense to you, or not? If you don’t know how to make a printscreen, I can teach you, ok?


    • 6 castorgirl April 15, 2009 at 12:40 am

      Dear Me,

      You don’t have anything at all to apologise for. I know the people who made those comments didn’t know what the picture meant to me. It is quite alright. I’m not going to look at Polyvore anymore. There are some people there that aren’t very nice to each other. There are some very nice people too. But it’s too scary now.

      I will let Sophie know about the instructions that you have put up here for us. Thank you very much. Sophie and Buffie are the ones who usually do work on Polyvore. Sophie started the one that got us into trouble, but I finished it. Lots of people said it’s creepy. That’s not a very nice thing to say is it? Even if something is creepy, you should be polite about it and not say anything. If you don’t have anything nice to say then you shouldn’t say it. I never said anything much because I never said anything very nice.

      Are you invisible too? I try very hard to keep us invisible, but sometimes they don’t listen to me. If you do everything right then no one will ever look at you again. Management says that if we were visible then people might know to help us. I just think they might hurt us again. Even Management can’t protect us all the time and she’s really scary.

      Thank you very much for talking to me. I hope you don’t get into trouble for talking to me. Management said it was alright for me to write to you.

      Yours sincerely

      PS. I just use my first initial here so no one laughs at my name.

  5. 7 me April 15, 2009 at 12:55 am

    Yes, I know, my Bold Alter keeps saying to all of us that if were visible then nice people might know to help us, but – like you – I still prefer to stay invisible, because although the Bold Alter is not afraid to punch the Almighty in His face, he still can’t protect us all the time, so we are better silent and invisible.

    • 8 castorgirl April 16, 2009 at 1:43 pm

      Would he really punch him?

      • 9 Sam's the most (too much) righteously bold & creative alter April 16, 2009 at 11:36 pm

        It is hard to fight with anyone that is invisible, which He by definition is. :)

        But – unless there were not other visible people who don’t find it hard to believe that He really is sorry – I certainly would because He would deserve it. Don’t worry, however, because we decided to make His sorriness visible to all abused children in stead of punching Him :)

        Still, if He – by any chance – turns out to be not really sorry, then I still will punch Him in His face or better said I have done it already by assuming He is really sorry if He thinks He is not.

        So, if He thinks He is able to be deeply and completely sorry and He really is, then He is *not* getting punched at my website.

        If – on the other hand – He thinks He is not able to be sorry, then He is getting punched there.

        Now, if He finds it hard to decide and maybe needs some professional help to be able to make the needed “cognitive shift”, there’s plenty of cognitive therapists to go to, and I am sure they will be glad to have Him knocking on the door so to speak. :) There are other therapeutic modalities, too, if He finds them more appealing then cognitive therapy. For example, He can try some existential therapy offered by Yalom (I’m sure our blogger BTC can suggest to Him all kinds of therapies hehe) He can choose from many, the same way I have had to do it.

        So, welcome God to heavens of psychotherapy! Its not exactly divine, but it was Your choice.

        “Do not whine!”, that is all I can say to Him.

  6. 12 marjakathriver April 15, 2009 at 10:10 am

    I just came over from Vague’s blog. I’m sorry about what people said on Polyvore. I just joined at Polyvore and have only done one collage so far. I think I’ve favorited a few of your collages. I think they are profoundly simple yet/and moving and powerful.

    The only group I’ve joined there is the Adult Survivors group. I would think that group would be fairly sensitive, supportive and validating. I hope I’m not wrong.

    I give you great credit for doing the collage rather than self-harming. I know the triggers can kinda multiply and ricochet all over the place. It’s hard to know what to do sometimes. I belong to a couple of groups that I do consider quite supportive, if you want to look at the widgets on my blog. Take gentle care.

  7. 13 castorgirl April 15, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Hi Marj aka Thriver,

    Thank you :)

    Yes, the Adult Survivors group is a supportive one with some really nice people in it. We were part of the group, but left purely because we were being triggered by the others work – nothing against anyone, it was just too much for us. We stopped adding the sets to any group in an attempt to keep the work private, but for some reason it didn’t work with this particular set.

    What’s interesting/odd is that we all see it quite differently depending on who is up front – some of us don’t see the girls eye, some of us only see the girls eye etc.

    Ohhh we love the fridge you have on your blog – you got a message from Aimee and K on it one day awhile back, I hope you didn’t mind. We tried to put a fridge on this blog, but WordPress does very odd things with the raw html and wouldn’t let us add it.

    Take care…

    • 14 MarjakaThriver April 23, 2009 at 9:22 am

      I had a feeling there was some part/alter activity on my fridge. Yes, all are welcome to play with those letters anytime. I’m sorry you couldn’t get it to load with WordPress.

  8. 15 jumpinginpuddles April 15, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    we are sorry u want to be invisible

    • 16 castorgirl April 16, 2009 at 1:46 pm

      Thank you, but it’s ok really. It’s one of the messages that we understood very early on and probably led to the dissociation.

      It is better to be visible, that way people can help you. But it’s just a bit too scary to be visible for us at the moment.

      Take care :)

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