Looking at the blog posts and polyvore sets we’ve created over the past few months, it’s obvious (to us) that Management hasn’t been around much. Our focus has been lacking and much of the structure that she introduced into our life to keep us safe has been lost. I’m not quite sure why Management hasn’t been present – I think it was a combination of the way in which Bob (previous therapist) wanted to use her within the healing context and the way in which she has been treated by some people (the American friend used to call her a bitch). She’s not a bitch. She’s rule driven and incredibly focused which can be intimidating, but it doesn’t make her a bitch. She isn’t intentionally rude to anyone and is incredibly gentle with the younger ones on her floor and any external children.
By the way, she’s smiling at the concept of me defending her :)
What’s interesting is that Management, one of our most functional and high achieving ones, has been absent predominantly because of people around us putting her down or using her in subtle ways. Even our high achiever has insecurities. I think this links into the idea raised by Samo’s site Who do you love when you say I love you. When we tried going through the questions posed in the site, we replied “No” to the first one. I think the big problem for us, is that we don’t understand each other or what we do. We can often see the actions of the different ones, but we don’t know the reasons – or if we know the reasons they are so different from our usual morals that we can’t identify with the need for them to be there. This again became obvious over the weekend. We were very low because of the memories surrounding the loss of our unborn baby, and this allowed/encouraged the dysfunctional patterns of the old behaviours to kick in.
One form that this dysfunction takes is the need S has to please men. We know that this behaviour saved us from greater hurt when we were growing up, but it scares us now. We respect S for the role she played in keeping us as safe as possible while we were young (that is we love her), but we don’t understand her role in our life today (that is, we don’t love her behaviour). Intellectually we know that she helps us cope with sex, but we also know that she uses it as a form of self-injury. Over the weekend the pattern started again. Thankfully nothing happened, but it added a feeling of self-disgust to the other layers of rubbish that we were already heaping on ourselves.
It’s so frustrating…