Just breathe already…

This week has been “odd”.  There are still many more walls than usual between us and the outside world, which is strange because things have been really positive this week…

  1. Found a therapist.
  2. Talked to Amy – we’re SO proud of how you’ve coped with everything that you’ve been through lately Amy :)
  3. Been more aware of work and those around us.
  4. Been accepted into the IRIS program – the result of the assessment the other week.
  5. Despite us not being aware of a landlord inspection, we passed – even though the house was a mess!

We also heard from Kris for the first time in over a week – he’d been unwell.  It was very strange chatting to him again.  Because we seem to have such a short term memory for any positive emotive response, during that week of non contact, we’d totally forgotten him.  We can’t remember his voice, sense of humour, intelligence – it’s all just gone from our awareness.  We’ve chatted briefly through IM a couple of times, but there are still huge walls there.  It’s almost like we’re talking to him for the first time again.  I really don’t want to put him through any more – the guy has already seen and experienced so much of our craziness that I just don’t want to have to be putting him through another round of it.

We also have the ACC mediation meeting on Monday.  We’re not really sure what to expect, but we think the only outcome will be for there to be another full psychiatric assessment to determine our level of functioning.  Last time they assessed us as 50% impaired in our global functioning.  Apparently that means that we shouldn’t be able to work or take care of ourselves unassisted.  They don’t see the DID as being the factor that allows us to get that assistance without any outward sign of that assistance.

We know that we’re still highly anxious about Monday and talking to Kriss.  So we know there is still reasons for the walls and barriers to be there.  Just feels very strange considering what a positive week it’s been.

Mind you… we did have to endure a 3 hour database tutorial today!!!  It was mind-numbing torture.  It got to the point where even the politest of the librarians was asking “is it time to put on the jug?”  Another one arranged for the student assistant who had come in to cover the desk to buzz him for assistance every 15 minutes.  Our cynical friend refused to come back to the training after the first hour long session :)

Carrie has told me that if we just breathed, it would be OK…

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5 Responses to “Just breathe already…”


  1. 1 davidrochester March 14, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Wow, lots going on!

    I know that for myself, I worry continually about what I’m “inflicting” on my GF, particularly in regard to the curious emotional memory loss issue. She seems much more patient with it than I am. Kriss may have the same experience. We’re so hyper-aware, I think, of our weirdness that perhaps we tend to project our own self-judgment onto the folks we deal with.

    I think other people are sometimes prepared to be more understanding than you and I want to give them credit for, because they see positives about us that we don’t see in ourselves.

    Just a thought. :-)

    Much love,
    David

  2. 2 castorgirl March 16, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    I think you’re probably right David. The chaos and craziness that we experience internally can appear to be just a flicking of the eyes to anyone else, or maybe just a little more space between us and the other person. I know we can be too sensitive…

    Thank you…

  3. 3 Samo March 17, 2009 at 12:58 am

    Re: “It’s almost like we’re talking to him for the first time again.”

    As long as I can remember, every single friend I had – after not meeting for a while – I talked to them as if meeting for the first time… this is probably why I don’t have friends… I am only able to maintain continuous contact with self-help groups’ participants and people like them online… it is frustrating…

  4. 4 castorgirl March 17, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    I always put this down to us being a fickle friend. But I’m now realising how much of it is tied to the dissociation and the blocks that go up to any sort of emotional attachment.

    I’m the same. Online friends I can converse with sporadically without any problem. But face-to-face people, or those there is some attachment to, the contact has to be consistent and regular.

    It’s odd and frustrating and annoying…

  5. 5 Sam's the most (too much) righteously bold & creative alter March 17, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    You find the right words to describe what I only suspected, that the face-to-face and bodily present others need to have consistence and regularity across time or they trigger in us a massive suspicions and the memories of inconsistent (i.e. abuse/nurturance, love/hate, etc) behavior on the part of our close ones.


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