Damaged

To put this post into context, we’re VERY detached and withdrawn from everything at the moment.

Next week we have a mediation meeting with ACC regarding our Independent Allowance.  As we have no support person, we’re going to have to go to the meeting alone.  Our advocate lives in another town and can’t get here for the meeting due to flights not being available – he’s going to attend via phone.  I’m pretty sure that the stress of this meeting is one of the reasons we’re so detached at the moment.  We find it amusing that ACC recommend that you take a support person to these meetings, but when you tell them that you trust people so little that you don’t have a support network they don’t seem to understand…

This is possibly the biggest problem we have, we just don’t understand what it is like to live in any other way that what we currently experience.  We have no idea what it is like to openly smile at someone and trust that they won’t hurt you.  It is also difficult for people who haven’t been hurt, to understand what it is like to live with this instinctive distrust.  This is obvious in the meanings we attach to words – which seem so different to what those around us consider those words to mean.  An easy example is the term “support network” – the potential therapist asked us who was in our support network was, we said “no-one”.  She then asked us if we interacted with people at work – of course we do, if we didn’t it would be impossible to stay invisible.  She considered this to be a support network.  But our cynical friend isn’t our support network, we’re hers.  We can’t tell her our problems – she’s got enough things on her plate without us telling her about our problems.  Also, talking about what we’re going through really isn’t appropriate in a work situation.

So we’re damaged and isolated.  This can be a dangerous mix.  Today we went to take some rubbish to the refuse station.  On the way there we were targeted by some boy racers who threw insults, finger gestures etc at us.  Sometimes this sort of confrontation will trigger a switch to a compliant scared one who cowers and tries to escape; sometimes it will trigger a switch to one who is extremely confident and the change in body language often will stop the potential confrontation.  Today it was different; today the trigger switch went from the compliant Sophie, to one who wanted to urge them on.  They wanted to be beaten up, they wanted to tell those boys that whatever they did to this body it was nothing, the only way they could do anything worse was to kill us, and she welcomed it.  After they drove off, the switch to M occurred.  M was not impressed.

We know we’re in trouble again.  We’re now just waiting out until after the ACC mediation meeting.

When will life be more than lurching from one anniversary or bad thing to another?  The potential therapist asked us if we wanted to move on from just surviving – we told her we wanted to move beyond just existing.  Yes, we know that’s being very melodramatic.

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