We nearly fell asleep today. Unfortunately we were at work at the time.
We’d just done an hour of teaching to about 20 students and 2 librarians who have never done teaching before, so came in to observe. The adrenaline caused by the teaching meant we were totally wiped out afterward. I think it was probably our worst teaching experience with the exception of our very first attempt while working at the University. Oh well, I’ve often thought that you learn more from making mistakes than doing it perfectly – shame the rest of the system doesn’t think that way!
We’ve sort of had enough. I don’t think we can cope with much more.
M is frantically making plans for the future that will tie us into responsibilities that the ones who want to escape won’t be able to ignore. Even when the suicidal ideation and intent is high, there is a level of responsibility that will not allow anyone else be inconvenienced. If we have responsibilities that involve money or people relying on us, the plans won’t be acted on.
This is part of the reason why we MUST work and appear “normal” to everyone around us. No one can see the dysfunction. No one can know that we’re not quite like everyone else. We work hard at appearing more “normal” than everyone else. We usually succeed at this. But sometimes it just becomes too much and we want to curl up and let the world go by.
So today, despite everything going on in our little world, we were there for our friend at work who found out that her brother has terminal brain and liver cancer – this is the same woman who has a husband with terminal stomach cancer. Our troubles are nothing compared to that.