Curling up and rocking…

The lack of sleep is getting rather boring.  It’s starting to influence our functioning and thought patterns.  We’re becoming more sensitive to knock backs and the switching is becoming more obvious to the outside world as we’re having to use it to cope with daily functioning.

The amusing side of this dysfunction was obvious yesterday when we found that some paper wasps have been making a nest in the wall gap of the house.  The 1st floor was the predominant group present for the discussion about what to do about the nest.  As with anything this floor does, it was a rather interesting discussion – the males wanted to blast the nest with carbaryl; S wanted to ask the cute male neighbour to take care of it; and a young one wanting to ignore it and going back to playing in the water.

The scary part of this dysfunction is that we’re again losing quite large chunks of time.

We’re spending a large amount of time curled up on the couch rocking in an attempt to soothe the internal chaos.  We’re at the dangerous point of being close to slipping into depression again.  The sad and hopeless ones are coming forward.  The food issues are starting again.

This week we have to do the final session with Bob.  I’m hoping M is around by that time to do the session, I just don’t have the strength to keep it all together.


10 Responses to “Curling up and rocking…”

  1. 1 davidrochester January 26, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    I’m sorry that things are so hard right now — can you cling to any sense that it’s cyclical, and will be better again? Maybe you’ll feel better once the situation with Bob is well and truly resolved; I imagine that’s causing a great deal of systemic stress. I’m always around via email or IM if you need to talk.

  2. 2 castorgirl January 26, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Thank you…
    We know that the anxiety and depressive cycle is because of the anniversaries coming up. Problem is, knowing about the cause doesn’t stop it from happening.
    We’re hoping for the best with the last session with Bob. Our fear is that because we’re all over the place at the moment that is will not go well. We’ll see what happens Wednesday.
    Take care…

  3. 3 gracie January 27, 2009 at 7:41 am

    here is what we think : in the scheme of things it does not matter how wednesday’s session pans out.

    that does not mean that the session does not matter, it just means that no-one expects it to go well or badly : it’ll just be how it is on the day.

    if we all planned ahead so that each therapy session was smiles and nice feelings then we would make no progress.

    sometimes the best progress is made when the shit hits the fan and lands everywhere. that makes us cry and scream and really consider why it did what it did. that is carthartic.

    so good or bad wednesday will come and go and some part of you will find some lesson in it and bob is paid to handle the situation and it is not for you to worry about how the session affects her – she is a professional and not a friend which is why you’re seeing her in the first place.

    your therapy sessions are for you – not for her. it is one place where you can be entirely selfish and it is ok to be so.

    make the most of wednesday : )

  4. 4 castorgirl January 27, 2009 at 8:50 am

    Thanks gracie :)
    In some respects we’re glad we’ve got the session with her this week. It’s only one of the things we’re worried about, and to be honest one of the smaller things.
    On the 10th of Feb we have the first anniversary of when the ex-husband tried to kill us. This is what we’re really stressing about. It’s the first anniversary for what was a pretty awful week. We’re having the 9-11th of Feb off work in case we can’t function around those dates.
    Take care…

  5. 5 davidrochester January 27, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Is there someone who can be with you on the 10th?

  6. 6 gracie January 27, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Wow ! That is an awful thing to have happened. Is it possible to also celebrate your having escaped ? Can you in some way also include a celebration of you being alive when he intended for you to be otherwise ? Just a small suggestion from us and we have not had someone try to kill us other than oursleves so we honestly cannot comprehend what you must be going through. Our love is being sent across the Kaimai s to you all. A.

  7. 7 castorgirl January 27, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    We’re not sure that we’re up to celebrating having escaped him for this anniversary. The first time it was his birthday after the separation was pretty rough. When it’s not near anniversaries we can celebrate getting away and taking positive steps such as the Protection Order.

    We’ll try to be with someone on the 10th, but at the moment we’re pushing everyone away quite successfully. We’re sort of hunkering down and waiting for the storm to pass.

    Thank you and take care… :)

  8. 8 Janet Van Stry January 28, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    I’ve been google-elerts for DID, Dissociated Identity Disorder for 2 years now and find your to be the most interesting and balanced.

    I hope that I can follow your blog.

    Thank You,

  9. 9 castorgirl January 28, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Hi Janet,

    Thank you… :)

    We mainly started this blog so that we could learn more about our system. So it was started with pretty self-fish goals in mind, but we’ve found as we go on that we’ve met some pretty amazing people through blogging and the online community. We’re still surprised when we see that people have read and commented on our stuff – but we thank those that do :)

    Take care…
    Sophie :)

    PS we’ve removed your email address so you don’t suddenly get spammed or anything.

  10. 10 Janet Van Stry April 29, 2009 at 3:22 pm


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