Tomorrow the mother goes home

The mother has been staying with us since the 24th of December. We asked her to come and stay with us because we knew this was going to be a rough time and we needed some external checks on our safety. We protect ourselves more while she is around, so the switching is less obvious and the self injurious behaviour doesn’t occur.

In this respect the visit has been a success.

But in many respects it’s failed miserably… Some of us need and desire her approval and love. This is never going to happen. We’re sure on some level she is proud that we got our degrees and have a job. But she is still the mother that told us we were ugly, noisy and the mistake at the end.

At times the rage inside towards her that is held by different parts has nearly spilled out.  Showing her that emotion would serve no real purpose besides hurting us further.

She is a nurse, she approaches our mental health from a medical setting – take a pill… do you need that pill… but you’re much more stable since seeing the clinical psychologist… I don’t understand why people self injure…

It also doesn’t help that her memory isn’t as good as it was – or it never is particularly good when it comes to us.  Not sure which is the more accurate statement.

It’s hard to explain that we seem more stable because we’re hiding more.  The clinical psychologist wants all communication to be approved or come from Management.  It’s hard for us to do this and we just don’t trust the clinical psychologist, so we’re hiding more as a general rule.  In the past this hasn’t been a problem, but the coping mechanisms that we used to use to ensure the hiding have gone.  So the internal chaos increases…

We can see how this would make us appear more stable, but then we always hid around the mother anyway…

Tomorrow she goes…  It sounds awful, but bring on tomorrow…  We’ve withdrawn from so many things with her here – friends, creative things that Sophie can do…


2 Responses to “Tomorrow the mother goes home”

  1. 1 davidrochester January 2, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    I know exactly what you mean about seeming more stable due to hiding. It’s a weird counterintuitive thing, because other people seem to approve, though I know it’s hurtful to the system.

  2. 2 castorgirl January 2, 2009 at 8:56 pm

    Yes, it’s become an awful place to be in… We want to be “stable” and “usual”, but it the more we aim for it the more disordered we become. So things like putting up two entries here, but then others within the system read what has been written amd delete them.

    According to the mother we’ve only had a couple of really bad “moments”, internally we’ve been in chaos nearly the entire time. Trying to lose ourselves in the online world to zone out the real world.

    Less than 24 hours and we can relax…

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January 2009
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