Confidence at an all time low

We’ve met some really amazing and inspiring people through the online community who have helped us in ways they will never realise – whether it be from just a kind word, an entry or clip that validates our experiences or by talking to them online or on the phone.  But we always struggle with how to communicate…

We don’t know how to form and maintain friendships.  We’ve never had any lasting friendships and would probably be described as fickle in our friendships.  We know that the true motivation for this is a combination of not feeling worthy of having friends and protecting ourselves from any hurt that comes from caring about someone enough to let them inside our rather impressive walls.

Basic things like making comments on someones blog entry can take a great deal of thought and time in order to try and minimise the potential for stuffing it up.  This often happens to the point where we tie ourselves in knots with our thinking and editing and just post it out of frustration or stupidity.  So a partially edited comments goes out there and we feel AWFUL.  We avoid the blog and panic.  It’s worse when we care about the opinion of the person or the subject matter of the entry.

We know this is all due to a total lack of confidence…  Something that people around us in the 3D world don’t really seem to get.  We’re considered high achievers.  We stand in front of up to 40 people and teach Information Literacy.  On Monday at work we were all sitting around having afternoon tea and one of the ladies was talking about blueberries and whether to make them into muffins or leave them as is.  Our team leader said she preferred them raw… out of nowhere, one of us said “Ohhhh wrap them in muffin, they’re better that way”.  It was one of the less embarrassing things one of us has said uncensored, but it gives an indication of how much we have to try and think about what we say and how we say it.

We just don’t have the confidence to bounce back from set-backs… we’re a bit fragile at the moment and HATE being it.

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6 Responses to “Confidence at an all time low”


  1. 1 davidrochester December 27, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    *hugs*

    I had to learn friend-making one painful tiny step at a time, too. One of the first things I learned is that people don’t even notice most of the stupid-arsed stuff we think we do, say, or write. It’s hard to believe that, but it’s true.

    Little risks, a tiny bit at a time in safe places. I hope you know that you run no risk at all of my ever misunderstanding or judging you, so you are always welcome to test your wings in my safe spaces. Soft landing spot, now and forever, I promise.

  2. 2 RockerGirl December 27, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    I hear you about the “fickle” friendship thing too — I/we are much the same way. I agree with David, that most people don’t even seem to notice the things that I obsess over as mistakes, errors, rudeness, etc., but that has only made the general day with colleagues and acquaintances a little easier to bear. Still haven’t managed it with a real friendship though. There’s just always another issue messing that up.

    Had to smile a little too about the compulsive editing, only because it’s sort of a relief to hear of someone else who does that. I have agonized for hours over a two-line response to someone, trying to get it “just right” — and then scratched the whole thing because it looked like such a stupid thing to say once I’d been staring at it for hours.

    I’ve never posted anything, for myself or to someone else, that I couldn’t edit indefinitely. This is something I’ve been working on.

  3. 3 castorgirl December 27, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    Thank you David… Thank you for that safety net – it is this sort of kindness that we were referring to in the post. Some of us do feel brave enough to comment on your blog. Some read, but don’t have the vocabulary to describe what they want to say…

    We realise that much of the anxiety is based on our perfectionism – which we know we need to work on.

    Most of the time in the 3D world people we encounter just don’t see beyond the front we put on – M does her job well… No one messes with her or questions her word or ideas :) She is remarkably open to suggestions, it’s just that she often says things with such authority that people don’t realise she is open to questioning. Me, they question all the time :)

    Take care…
    Sophie :)

  4. 4 castorgirl December 27, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    Hi RockerGirl,

    Yes, the compulsive editing it the bane of our existence… Glad we’re not the only ones who struggle with it.

    In the 3D world we’re very good at covering up all sorts of weird things we do with laughter and making fun of ourselves.

    We have “workmates” and “acquaintances”, but no one that we would go out to a film with or invite around for a coffee (if we drank coffee). Part of this is also due to our anxieties – social and physical aspects.

    Take care…
    Sophie :)

  5. 5 Amy December 28, 2008 at 10:04 am

    Hey, I am totally with you on the leaving comments thing. Also if I feel I have said something ‘wrong’ I’ll avoid that person for a length of time.
    I hope you’re feeling better now, and hope to talk to you soon x Take care

  6. 6 castorgirl December 28, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    *Hugs* Amy,
    Thank you :)
    Loved reading your entry just before Christmas… such a good positive place to be…
    Hope you realise you’ll never say anything wrong with us :)
    Yeah the comments thing is why we can’t comment on your photography… we look at it and go “Wow” to varying levels, but can’t explain why we go “Wow”… lol.
    Take care
    Sophie :)


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